I typically love change. However, I tend to either thrive in it or feel paralyzed from the thought of its impact. There are areas that I have felt fear of change although I wanted it. During those times, I simply tend to hold off on making a decision or have a lack of activity. There have been times I wanted change so badly but had such mixed feelings about it that the true desire was to be forced into the change.
When I was married, I had not been very satisfied with my relationship with my former husband for quite some time. I was very committed to the idea of staying married. I never would have made the first move to separate. When he first asked for a separation I felt devastated but looking back, my devastation was more about the ideal of staying married and the thought of how our divorce would affect others. At one point, he made a comment that he thought that our separation was the best thing for me. Although he may have been using that as an excuse, he was right. It was the best thing that could have happened for me at that time. I had lost myself in him and focused on helping him obtain dreams, leaving mine behind. I have many enjoyable memories and experiences I wouldn’t trade but am so happy he originally asked for the separation.
So many people feel great stress when going through a lot of changes. I sometimes wonder if it’s because of the change or because of the collective consciousness that we have created around how stress is ‘supposed’ to affect us. When my former husband and I separated, I moved out of the house. Shortly before that my grandfather had passed away. There were several other major changes I had gone through. However, I was loving life and felt as though I was thriving and flowing in life. At an office training, someone came in to talk about stress and gave us a test. My test reflected that I was under the maximum amount of stress one should endure, yet I was loving life and not feeling overly stressed. Shortly after getting those test results, I started to feel the impact of the stress. Was it the stress or the power of suggestion about how stressed I was ‘supposed’ to be feeling that caused my stressful feelings?
I was also working a job I didn’t enjoy very much. I enjoyed that it appeared to be making a significant difference but felt chained to something I had no passion or love for. I had wanted to leave for quite some time but wouldn’t quit. Again, I thought about how it would affect those around me. I had been there for a while and was taking on a couple more tasks that the president had always done. On a couple of occasions I joked with the president about me getting fired; and I always said I would thank them. Eventually, I did get fired, and I did thank them. My colleagues and supervisor were disappointed that I didn’t fight for my job. I didn’t even really know or care what I was being fired for at the time and found out later it was for something I didn’t do. The president was supposed to retire the following year. I found out later he stayed on a few more years. I sometimes wondered if I would have stayed if he would have been able to retire when he originally planned. His successor was not able to do some of the tasks that I was taking over for him.
Now, eight years later, I am at another pivotal moment of change being greatly desired, yet I’ve gone through moments of sedentary behavior, feeling like I don’t know what to do. Other times I’ve felt as though I’m wasting time with some of the tasks at hand. At yet other times, I feel I am making a significant impact in the lives of those around me and feel I am in my right place at this time in my life. For quite some time I have been feeling as though a significant change is coming in regards to money. That is definitely the area I need and want the change the most in life. I’ve had brief moments of feeling as though I am waiting for this change to occur, yet I know there are things I need to be doing to prepare for such a change. I also realize that it’s more important to enjoy the journey I’m currently on than to simply feel as though I am waiting for something better. It’s interesting that even the simple thought of change can paralyze us or thrust us forward into the next stage of life.
By Tonya Tyler
Written August 19, 2010
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| Let's choose to thrive with change like butterflies!!! |
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